need some help....

[RuFFRaiDeR]

hello raider fam,

im new to this part of the forum and i need to vent out my problem and just want to seek adivice other than family and friends.

me and my wife (age 25 and 23) are married with a 3 year old son. Our marriage isnt the best but whos is? we have rocky times and happy times together. we took time apart from each other last year for about a week or so but got back together due to a death on my side of the family. During that time we were texting each other back and forth about how much we missed each other and what changes we needed to do to make our marriage better.

A year went by and nothing changed. She says its my fault and that i havent tried to do anything. We are both different in many ways shes alot more outgoing than me. I tried to do it her way in the beginning, i liked it but enough was enough. i grew out of going to clubs because half the time there was nothing but trouble or some other reason. We basically took no action to change at all.

Fast foward to now, last friday i asked her whats wrong because i noticed a big change in her and she basically told me she doesnt love me anymore. I dont know if its cuz of the stress shes going through with work/her family problems/friends of hers and then jus bringing the baggage home. She wants time part again, this time for 4 months to see if her life is better without me. She already packed up her stuff and is going to live with her best friend/godmother's son (age 28 who has a daughter of her own with no father) for 1 month and then shes getting her own apartment.

Deep down inside i know this is not the woman i married, we both didnt take any action to fixing our problems. The thing is it too late?? I still love her and really want to make this work. Question is, am i just wasting my time? should i give her the 4 months away and see if it works? Or just go to the last resort and get a divorce??

[TDraiders]

sounds like she's already made up her mind

if I was in your shoes,I'd be really suspicious that something's been going on or has been in the works for awhile

[The Don]

It sounds like she is still holding on to her young rebellious side and not maturing into her role as the maternal strength of the family. Lets face it, she knew you weren't the outgoing type from jumpstreet. You tried it out for awhile, but it's tiresome when you go to the club and every Harry Hardon is trying to mack on your lady. IT seems like she is thinking that love is the physical chemistry you feel when something is new with a compatible mate. Well, love is really measured when the chemical honeymoon is over, and you have to sweat and sacrifice to make things work...

If she has you pinned as submissive, she will always be trying to have her cake and eat it too. She will want this time away, and probably get involved with other people, and when the void of the father figure becomes apparent, she will come back around for spells at a time, untill she gets bored again.

A lot of women (and men) these days expect to be swept off their feet and entertained and feel goosebumps all over all the time or else they lose interest fast, when in reality, they should be focused on what they can provide and do for their family to make it more harmonious..

I'm sorry if I'm coming off doomy or negative, but just be weary of what truly lies in this woman's heart if she is getting restless at home and wants to run away because she partly envy's her friend who has the kid also but plenty of "freedom"..

I hope you truly find in your heart what is right, and whatever you do make sure you do the right thing to stay a part of your kids' life..

Good luck bro, peace...

[Raider Ran]

Originally Posted by TDraiders

sounds like she's already made up her mind

if I was in your shoes,I'd be really suspicious that something's been going on or has been in the works for awhile

That was my first thought also. I would say if you decide to give her the 4 month expect the worse and be happy if it works. It really looks like it is over but that is just coming from a old guy on a message board so take it for what it is worth.

[chitown raider]

Originally Posted by ImInToo

A lot of women (and men) these days expect to be swept off their feet and entertained and feel goosebumps all over all the time or else they lose interest fast, when in reality, they should be focused on what they can provide and do for their family to make it more harmonious..

Great point IIT. Not to hijack this thread, but I dated a girl that was just like this. She pretty much lived in a fantasy world wanted the perfect relationship the Cinderella story, blah blah, blah. The way I see it is we are only human we all have our downfalls, no one is perfect. It's being with the person who makes you happy and whatever issues the two of you might have if you care about one another they can be worked out. Just my .02. Good Luck!

[Black Widow]

Originally Posted by RuFFRaiDeR

hello raider fam,

im new to this part of the forum and i need to vent out my problem and just want to seek adivice other than family and friends.

me and my wife (age 25 and 23) are married with a 3 year old son. Our marriage isnt the best but whos is? we have rocky times and happy times together. we took time apart from each other last year for about a week or so but got back together due to a death on my side of the family. During that time we were texting each other back and forth about how much we missed each other and what changes we needed to do to make our marriage better.

A year went by and nothing changed. She says its my fault and that i havent tried to do anything. We are both different in many ways shes alot more outgoing than me. I tried to do it her way in the beginning, i liked it but enough was enough. i grew out of going to clubs because half the time there was nothing but trouble or some other reason. We basically took no action to change at all.

Fast foward to now, last friday i asked her whats wrong because i noticed a big change in her and she basically told me she doesnt love me anymore. I dont know if its cuz of the stress shes going through with work/her family problems/friends of hers and then jus bringing the baggage home. She wants time part again, this time for 4 months to see if her life is better without me. She already packed up her stuff and is going to live with her best friend/godmother's son (age 28 who has a daughter of her own with no father) for 1 month and then shes getting her own apartment.

Deep down inside i know this is not the woman i married, we both didnt take any action to fixing our problems. The thing is it too late?? I still love her and really want to make this work. Question is, am i just wasting my time? should i give her the 4 months away and see if it works? Or just go to the last resort and get a divorce??

A few questions..... How long did you know each other before you got married and how long have you BEEN married? I'd like to know before I give a female's point of view.
And is the best friend/godmother's son a partier too? Because if she is, then it won't "help" your wife much IMO. It sounds to me like because nothing was worked out in the first place that she's getting the feeling like neither one of you really care about what's going on and that's why she's feeling pushed away. Is she taking your child or leaving him with you? If she's leaving him with you, my guess is she wants to go out and party.......... I used to love clubs when I was 16-20 but I grew out of them FAST when I saw what crap/trouble they caused every time I went. Now that I'm married, I feel I have a responsibility to keep up with the house and making sure Rolando (my husband) is happy also. That means not getting my way all the time, which is fine. It sounds like compromise is a key issue with you guys. Maybe there can be club one weekend, the next weekend stay inside and rent a movie and just (excuse me for using this word) cuddle on the couch. If you can sit down with her and have a discussion without yelling, then you know both of you are listening. What my husband and I do when we realize we're arguing, we sit down, hold hands, and talk it out. CORNY AS HELL I know but trust me, when you're touching the other person, it's a lot harder to yell at each other and makes things a lot calmer. If you need any more female perspective, feel free to PM me. GOOD LUCK!

[POKE]

Im sorry to hear that man. Let me tell you something. Marriage is no fairy tale. The reason why Cinderella, Beauty and The Beast, Snow White, Aladdan, and the rest of them mfers from disney movie goes off is because after they get married they go through drama that all marriages go through. But they want the kids to see a happy ending so they just cut the ropes after the ceremony. And thats cool beans nothing wrong with that. But this real life earth here. No such thing as happily ever after. Adam and Eve had drama. Animal couples have drama. Homosexual marriages have drama. Hetrosexual marriages have drama. Transgender marriages have drama. Anybody tells you otherwise is a damned liar. So when people say how happy their marriage it is and they look all kissy face in public I always ask myself what kind of hell they went through to get to that point.

Boss, I hate to say it and I hope Im wrong but from the way you described the situation to me it looks to be on the worst side than the better. One thing I learned about marriage is that you can't change a person. You just can't one thing that struck me that you said in this post was this....

We are both different in many ways shes alot more outgoing than me. I tried to do it her way in the beginning, i liked it but enough was enough.

See you weren't really being you from the jump. You tried to do it her way in the beginning. But you were not really being yourself. And when you got tired of not being yourself you in your own words had had enough.

See sometimes we try and put on a front for people. And this isn't a knock on you, we all do it. Lets tell the truth. I was with this one chick who was fine ass hell, she like to floss hard, VIP at the clubs, drinking shots of Louis XIII () on me for like $150.00 a shot, etc. I finally had enough of trying to be the man for this heffer. Because thats not who I am. But I thought since she was a 27 on the charts of 1 to 10 I had to do this to please her. And when I got the coochie it was wack anyway. Could have saved myself time and money by just keeping it real from the beginning.

Hey man we all live and learn. Some of the hardest lessons we go through make us a better person at the end. Here is to hope for the best with you and your situation. Prayers for you, your wife, and the child in this situation. Peace.

Poke

[chitown raider]

Preach on Poke!

[Black Widow]

And you gotta remember. If this IS the end, at least you got your wonderful son out of the situation. That in itself is a great thing.

[chitown raider]

Originally Posted by Black Widow

And you gotta remember. If this IS the end, at least you got your wonderful son out of the situation. That in itself is a great thing.

It reminds me of a situation my friend had with his his father. His parents divorced but he asked his son if this canoe was sinking who's life do you think I would save? He said father my Mom's. He said correction, your my flesh and blood.

[Black Widow]

Originally Posted by chitown raider

It reminds me of a situation my friend had with his his father. His parents divorced but he asked his son if this canoe was sinking who's life do you think I would save? He said father my Mom's. He said correction, your my flesh and blood.

awwwwwwwwwww that's sweet. hehe

[AutumnWind32]

Quick advice; see of she's open to counseling. If she is you know she genuinely wants to make it work. If she's not open to it then she needs space and time to decide if making it work with you is important enough to her to do whatever it takes.

The best thing you guys can do is get help in a safe environment from a professional who deals with these issues every day.

Good luck!

[RuFFRaiDeR]

thank you all for all of your advice. i really apprieciate it. i know im not the perfect man in any way shape or form, but who is? i can admit my mistakes and not only learn from them but try to make it so i wont make those same mistakes again. sadly though its taken this route to do it =(

To Black Widow's response....yes his godmother likes to party/barhop too basically all of her friends do. and out of all of them, 3 of them are alone with kids. and me and my wife only knew each other for about 3-4 months and been married for bout 4 1/2 years

As for my son, we have no arguements there. sundays and mondays hes with me, fridays and saturdays hes with her. Rest of the days, he goes to daycare.

I tried setting up an appointment with a marriage counselor for this week but sadly she wants no part of it. The thing i dont understand is that why run from the problem that is sooo small compared to other marriages knowing that it can be fixed than to at least TRY?

No matter what im always going to be apart of my son's life. The whole 4 months thing i nor my parents or her parents agree with it. I basically told her she has a 1 month, she didnt like it.