need some help....

[ULEN]

If a female is not willing to TRY to make things work just tell her to kick rocks. It's only going to get worse the longer she sticks around. Just do what you gotta do to be there for your son and let her do her thing. There's plenty of females out there. As least you learned from experience that you want no part of that lifestyle. The next time a chick comes around the picture will be clearer as to what it is you want.

[kitared]

Originally Posted by AutumnWind32

Quick advice; see of she's open to counseling. If she is you know she genuinely wants to make it work. If she's not open to it then she needs space and time to decide if making it work with you is important enough to her to do whatever it takes.

The best thing you guys can do is get help in a safe environment from a professional who deals with these issues every day.

Good luck!

I was thinking the same thing AW. The best thing is to get outside counseling, sometimes trying to make things work on your own isn't possible and you may not understand what she is going through and vice-versa.

I wish you the best.

[RuFFRaiDeR]

Originally Posted by kitared

I was thinking the same thing AW. The best thing is to get outside counseling, sometimes trying to make things work on your own isn't possible and you may not understand what she is going through and vice-versa.

I wish you the best.

i told her bout getting some marriage counseling and she really wants no part of it.

Like i said before, i know i made my mistakes, i'm not trying to come off like im a victim or anything but when my wife told me its something small that it doesnt even need to go to the divorce route. Then why am i feeling like im getting pushed into doing it??

Update situation.....

This is her breakdown of whats shes planning on doing...

1) move into her friends apartment (son's godmother)

2) after a month get her own apartment

3) get a loan from the bank to get a car (just passed her written test to get permit)

We both grew up very different. Her parents are not in the greatest situation at all but have LOTS of faith. Her older brother has been in and out of juvenile hall/prison since 15. Her younger brother has Spina Bifidia and is having major surgery this week. Basically the finanicial situation not great, only one of her parents can work so the goverment pays for all the surgerys her younger brother goes through if they dont take the help, well the medical bills would be through the roof. Her older brother just got locked up and before getting locked up he got his girl pregnant. the girl is due in october/november.

The only reason why im saying this is cuz im really afraid that shes gunna fall flat on her face with the stuff she says shes gunna do. Shes gunna put her self in a bigger hole than what she knows. Unless she gathers up her friends to help pay for some of her stuff. Or finds a rich guy to help pay for it.

The only thing we can agree on is my son and putting him into daycare so he can get used to playing/talking with kids his age.

[Raider Ran]

Originally Posted by RuFFRaiDeR

i told her bout getting some marriage counseling and she really wants no part of it.

Like i said before, i know i made my mistakes, i'm not trying to come off like im a victim or anything but when my wife told me its something small that it doesnt even need to go to the divorce route. Then why am i feeling like im getting pushed into doing it??

Update situation.....

This is her breakdown of whats shes planning on doing...

1) move into her friends apartment (son's godmother)

2) after a month get her own apartment

3) get a loan from the bank to get a car (just passed her written test to get permit)

We both grew up very different. Her parents are not in the greatest situation at all but have LOTS of faith. Her older brother has been in and out of juvenile hall/prison since 15. Her younger brother has Spina Bifidia and is having major surgery this week. Basically the finanicial situation not great, only one of her parents can work so the goverment pays for all the surgerys her younger brother goes through if they dont take the help, well the medical bills would be through the roof. Her older brother just got locked up and before getting locked up he got his girl pregnant. the girl is due in october/november.

The only reason why im saying this is cuz im really afraid that shes gunna fall flat on her face with the stuff she says shes gunna do. Shes gunna put her self in a bigger hole than what she knows. Unless she gathers up her friends to help pay for some of her stuff. Or finds a rich guy to help pay for it.

The only thing we can agree on is my son and putting him into daycare so he can get used to playing/talking with kids his age.

She seems to have everything planned out. It seems like she and you may have gotten married at an early age and really had no chance of getting the partying out of her system. Being with an aunt that is a partier will not help your cause. Best thing to do is try to move on with your life and take care of your child. If things are going to work out they will but just don't let yourself get pulled in and out of the relationship. Be strong bro.

[SherwinRazmy]

I am very sorry to hear about your problems, it's never easy to deal with these things. I am 26 and I have not yet married because of this reason. As I'm into pointed out it seems like she is still in party mode. This is why I always suggest to my friends that you wait until you both of you are at lesast 25 years old. Most 23 year old girls I encountered are still immature and want to party. This does not go for all of them but the exception to the rule, proves that the general rule applies.

It seems like to me she already made up her mind. I still don't know how long you guys have been married and that is an important detail you left out. I have one problem with her, and that problem is that she knew your personality. She knew what she was getting into but she still went ahead of it. I am not trying to sound sexist or anything, but most girls I know think that they can change a man. This is the biggest mistake because you can't really change who you are that much.

If I were you I would try to convince her to go to marriage therapy. Tell her that she can still have her space but you guys should seek professional help before going through with the divorce. Tell her that if she still feels the same way after marriage therapy you guys can file for a divorce.

Now what I would do in the meantime is try to protect your assets as much as you can, and start talking to divorce lawyers. Don't cheapout either if you are planning to go through with it. Hire the best attorney you can afford. Again this should be a last ditch resort if all else fails. Don't prolong it because in most states for every two years you are married, you will be required to pay alamony. I wish you the best of luck and I feel bad for your current situation. I hope that everything ends well but you should prepare for the worst.

[RuFFRaiDeR]

Update....

yesterday was her younger brother's opperation for his spina bifida. she stayed at the hospital with him until her and her mom had to leave. her stuff is all gone, except for lil things here and there. as far as furniture goes, its basically all mine. bad thing im stuck with it til i find a place of my own, cant afford a 2 bedroom by myself or unless i sell some of it.

Me and my son spent the day together yesterday after picking him up from daycare and taking him to his speech therapy class, my wife came with us to the class. took my son to the park and played with him before heading to class. cant really sit here and dwell on whats going on right now between me and my wife, i know i just gotta be strong and be there for my son, no matter what.

i do plan on visiting my brother-n-law either tomorrow or monday, dont know how visitations are on the weekends. wife just picked up our son to take him over to the hospital. my plan is to talk to someone for some legal advice. either go for legal separation, or just go for the divorce.

will give more updates as the come in.....thanx again for ya support and advice

[Matuszak72Fan]

I went through a similar situation, and currently am going through a divorce. I was married for 7 years and am only 30. I am decent looking, and meeting females isnt a problem, but didnt want to put daughter through a rough transitional and emotional phase. So it took some time, as I felt as I wasted 7 years looking back, but my daughters well being is all that matters to me. I will find my "soul-mate" some other time.

With her saying she is going to get her own apartment however there seems to be more to it in your case, just don't get taken advantage of with that "lets date other people", or "I need space BS" . There is going to be alot of emotional hurt, but do whats best for you financially, and for your son.

If you feel as though you can't take it see a counselor. If you medical coverage, most plans have "Behavioral Health" coverage in 1 way or another. I do with Cigna. They can help get over the emotional stuff, and help you plan a course of action.

[CORaiderFanJohn]

Just take care of your son and yourself, everything else will fall into place. I feel for you, this has to be very painful - stay strong for your little boy.

[R8RFOX]

Originally Posted by RuFFRaiDeR

thank you all for all of your advice. i really apprieciate it. i know im not the perfect man in any way shape or form, but who is? i can admit my mistakes and not only learn from them but try to make it so i wont make those same mistakes again. sadly though its taken this route to do it =(

To Black Widow's response....yes his godmother likes to party/barhop too basically all of her friends do. and out of all of them, 3 of them are alone with kids. and me and my wife only knew each other for about 3-4 months and been married for bout 4 1/2 years

As for my son, we have no arguements there. sundays and mondays hes with me, fridays and saturdays hes with her. Rest of the days, he goes to daycare.

I tried setting up an appointment with a marriage counselor for this week but sadly she wants no part of it. The thing i dont understand is that why run from the problem that is sooo small compared to other marriages knowing that it can be fixed than to at least TRY?

No matter what im always going to be apart of my son's life. The whole 4 months thing i nor my parents or her parents agree with it. I basically told her she has a 1 month, she didnt like it.

Sounds exactly like what I went through with my first wife. We were 18 and in lust (thought it was love). After 3 months of dating we wed. A week after that I got her pregnant. After a tour in Iraq I came home to her and my first son who was already 1 month old. We did OK the first couple years. We even had a second son. By year 6 we were really having issues. She was more grounded and i was the party animal. Those on this site that know me can totally vouch for my appetite to party... But!! I was willing to do counseling and she was not. If you can't get both sides to the negotiating table there is nothing to negotiate. If I were you I would let her have her 4 months and spend as much time with your son as possible. My boys are 17 and 14 now and I have a great relationship with them. I can never see them enough but I'm just being a dad. After that 4 months if she isn't down to try to get counseling and or make an attempt to work it out then cut your losses and run. File for a divorce and try your damdest to be the custodial parent or she may screw you and try to take all your money. You still haven't been married long enough for her to qualify for alimony. I gave up my right to be the custodial parent when I was divorced and I regret it deeply. I'm in to that hooker for 16 hundo a month. I got it right the second time around. I dated my current wife for over a year and lived with her before we were married. We've been married for almost 8 years and have a 2 year old son together. Times are never the easiest but we are partners in crime and never let anything get between us. GOOD LUCK BROTHER.....

[Matuszak72Fan]

Originally Posted by R8RFOX

I'm in to that hooker for 16 hundo a month. I got it right the second time around.

[SherwinRazmy]

Originally Posted by RuFFRaiDeR

Update....

yesterday was her younger brother's opperation for his spina bifida. she stayed at the hospital with him until her and her mom had to leave. her stuff is all gone, except for lil things here and there. as far as furniture goes, its basically all mine. bad thing im stuck with it til i find a place of my own, cant afford a 2 bedroom by myself or unless i sell some of it.

Me and my son spent the day together yesterday after picking him up from daycare and taking him to his speech therapy class, my wife came with us to the class. took my son to the park and played with him before heading to class. cant really sit here and dwell on whats going on right now between me and my wife, i know i just gotta be strong and be there for my son, no matter what.

i do plan on visiting my brother-n-law either tomorrow or monday, dont know how visitations are on the weekends. wife just picked up our son to take him over to the hospital. my plan is to talk to someone for some legal advice. either go for legal separation, or just go for the divorce.

will give more updates as the come in.....thanx again for ya support and advice

What you are doing is the best thing you can do right now man. You need to be there for your son and take care of him. I think it would be a very good idea on yoru part to visit the brother in law, as soon as possible, as a gesture of good will. A divorce is very traumatizing for a young boy or girl because it really can scare them off of marriage. At least it will make them afraid of it because he will think, "My daddy got a divorce so it could happen to me."

What you need to remember is that under any circumstances NEVER EVER INSULT THE MOTHER in front of the kid. Even if you go through the divorce and it's messy, you want to always tell him that he has a good mommy. This way if she badmouths you, later on when the kid grows up, he will know who was the mature one.

Right now I hope that you are taking our advice here because everyone is giving some solid help here. Again try to PROTECT YOUR ASSETS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, and HIRE A GOOD ATTORNEY if you want to go through with it. Remember you get what you pay for so if you cneap out you will get some 3rd rate attorney. Hire the best divorce lawyer that you can afford and try to get an experienced lawyer if you can. Don't get some lawyer fresh out of law school who only has like a few years of experience because it's cheaper.

The most important thing is to protect your assets and limit the hit as much as possible. Sometimes in the long run your financial situation get's BETTER after a divorce. Stay with me on this one this is not intended to be sexist, but now she is not there to spend your money. Generally speaking men make more money than women nobody can argue aginst that. There are exceptions but generally speaking this is a true statement. When you get rid of the ball and chain, you might be forced to pay alamony, but you no longer need to pay for her shopping, her vacation, her whatever.

Good luck buddy I hope that it all goes well for you. I never got a divorce but a few of my firiends did and they all listened to what I had to say. You want to protect your assets and take care of your son those are teh two most important things right now.

[RaiderFan513]

My wife and I have had 2-3 spells like this, but the thing we always kept in mind was the kids. The problems we had are similar to the ones you are having with the loss of excitement and just being a bored married couple. The fact of the matter is though you can't tear a family apart because you aren't happy. She sounds like she has a childish mentality wanting to go to clubs and that, and my wife was kind of the same but like you I didn't like that kind of life. The last time we had a problem like yours we both just decided it isn't our choice we are here to provide a stable and happy home for our kids at our expense, monetarily and emotionally, so we just sucked it up and toughed it out and through our sacrifices and hard work have made a nice life for ourselves. It still sucks at times but that's life. Nothing comes free and happiness is no different, it takes work and sacrifice and you get your reward.